Ugh, this is all just too damn much right now. I feel head fucked, emotionally fucked… I feel like an absolute fucking mess. I hate the month of May and most especially my birthday. It never fails that something fucked up always happens. On my 10th birthday, I was told that my mother’s cancer had come back and it was too late for any doctor to do anything about it. On my 10th birthday, I found out my mother was dying. For someone at that age to hear that about their parent is just so fucking devastating. No one will ever know how I felt back then nor how I feel about it today. The stupid fucking cherry on top of that surprise? She passed away seven days after my birthday. I never got over it. It still burdens me up until this day and with every birthday that passes. Before my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and at the time was off-island getting treatment for it. I recently found out that the reason why my grandfather’s jaw is disfigured is because when he got the news that my mother had cancer and became paralyzed from the waist down, he didn’t want to have the reconstruction surgery anymore because he felt bad that he was getting treated for his cancer and that my mother was on Guam fighting her battle with cancer without him there to support her. When he got back he devoted every minute of his time to be with her and help her with whatever she needed. Just this year, on my 19th birthday, I received yet more heart breaking news. My grandfather has cancer once again. This time it’s a different type of cancer that doctors believe was caused by the radiation he received fighting off the first cancer. They gave him two options: chemotherapy or surgery. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said that he didn’t want to put up with the side effects of chemotherapy but he didn’t want to have the surgery either. He said, “if this is my time to go, then I just have to let it be.” I felt like my heart was just ripped out of my chest. If this really is his time to go then God wouldn’t have given him the choices of getting chemotherapy or having surgery. I really didn’t know what to say to him. I have cried every night since he said that to me. I know that he’s tired but I know it’s not his time yet, I just know it. I’m not ready to let him go. I need him here, my grandma needs him, my brother needs him, our whole family still needs him here. My grandfather has been there for me since I was in the womb. He is my father and my grandfather. My biological father wasn’t there when my brother and I were born but my grandpa was. Most kids when they get older try to find their biological father or mother but I never once thought about looking for him. My REAL father was right where he needed to be. And this is why it kills me to even think about losing him. He is such a great person… genuine, full of kindness, compassion and ever so selfless. I feel like he’s giving up on this battle that I am so confident that he can conquer. He’s surrendering to this disease that I refuse to let get the best of him. We can fight this, he will survive. He doesn’t deserve this. No one should ever have to go through this. I feel so helpless. I pray and pray, hoping that the Lord will hear my prayer and give my grandpa the strength to keep fighting. I have been nothing but a total wreck because of this. I feel like I’m going insane. Please Lord, help me… help us… help him.
